AAAAAARRRRRGH!

Here is a blog post I probably won't end up posting. I'm feeling pretty pissy with the world, and I can't put my finger on exactly what's bothering me, so this is just a general vent.

1. Job
There are a million and one stupid and petty things that I have become responsible for here, and I just can't bring myself to care about them right now. I also feel as though I have convinced myself that my job is important and fulfilling when it's actually not so, and it's distracting me from doing something creative. I don't know what that creative thing is, but surely it's more important than being cc-ed on a million emails that I don't need to be cc-ed on? Or is it?!
2. Creativity
"Oh, what shows are you working on? Are you doing a lot of comedy right now? How is performing going?"
Awkward questions that I was asked about a hundred times this weekend. Um, no I'm not really performing. It really slows down during the summer. I'm taking a bit of a breather. Excuses! For the fact that I am lazy and not producing anything. For the fact that I'm too afraid to put myself out there. For the fact that I worry I'm not a very talented performer, and that's why I chose to throw myself into my inconsequential, meaningless job. Instead of actually taking a risk and doing something that interests me. I watched my friends' Fringe plays with a lump in my throat, part jealousy and part wistful longing. And I can't figure out if it's because I want to be doing what they're doing, or if I still get that same feeling I used to when I perform. It's been so long since I've actually cared about a show, or a performance, or a piece of writing I've done. I hate everything that comes out of my mouth or flows out of my pen (or from my fingertips to my keyboard in most cases- who writes shit down with a pen anymore?!). I hate it or I think it's sub-par, and therefore I don't even really try. I just kind of slough it off like "Oh, this? This is just a shitty thing I wrote/made/performed in." I convince myself there are no stakes to it, I'm not heavily invested in it anyhow, so it doesn't really matter if I fail. Because I have already failed. I am a failure. Fail fail fail.
3. Family
This is going to sound really immature and stupid, but my stepsister didn't wish me a happy birthday on Facebook. I mean, why should she? We're not close. But if we're not close, why are we Facebook friends? And why am I friends with her husband? And why am I subjected to pictures of them and their baby and their cat? If they don't care, why should I? Why shouldn't I just subtract them from my friends list? My biological sister phoned me to wish me a happy birthday when she was in Dollarama. Thanks for the personal touch. Then she informs me, after not speaking to me for months (and to be honest, I didn't call her either because I don't have the energy) that she wants to come and visit me for a week. A WEEK?! First of all, I will be working at my dumb and inconsequential job (that I have convinced myself is important because then it doesn't sting too much that I am a failure as an artist- and it even makes me want to barf that I would ever refer to myself as an artist- because what was I really doing but going up on stage and making goofy faces) and I don't have time to entertain her or listen to how awesome she thinks she is for riding the streetcar all by herself.
I also haven't listen to the birthday message my dad left. Because I can't. I just can't listen to it. I wish I didn't have a dad. I don't wish my dad was dead, but I wish he would leave me alone forever. I wish my sister wouldn't try to encourage me to call him. I wish she didn't tell me that our dad is scared of me. I wish he just didn't care, so I could feel better about not caring about him. Our familial attachment is basically meaningless. When he would get angry at me when I was a kid, he would scream "How dare you speak to me like this? I HELPED BRING YOU INTO THIS WORLD." BIG FUCKING DEAL, I wanted to scream back. How hard is it to just donate some sperm? Really. The tough part is being a parent. Which he never was. So why start now?
4. ME ANGRY, ME CAN'T FOCUS ON POSITIVE THINGS
I sound like a whiny child, and I want to punch myself and say "Look at all the awesome things you have going for you- like all your great friends, and the fact that you're not in debt, and someone loves you, and you have a beautiful home and clean water to drink and you're not dying from amoebic dysentery." But I don't say that to myself. I just carry on stomping my feet like a little stupid ball of temper tantrums. TANTRUMBALL. And I end up writing/saying things like everything I just wrote. And then I don't post them. Or I post them for about ten minutes to see if I can get any pity.