A True Story About A Stapler (Alternative Title: I'm Pretty Sure I Have Asperger's)

I work in kind of an open-concept office, where there are no strict cubicles per se, but there are definitely pod-like arrangements of desks. My desk is located in a back suite, in an open area, but it is typically not very high-traffic, and I enjoy the peace and quiet this affords me. There is another desk just to the east of mine, and there is an office on my left. There is also an edit suite to my right. Finally, there is a printer just behind my desk, used mostly by the people in this back suite.

Frequently, an editor in the suite to my right will be working with a story editor, who needs to make use of the printer. Story editors have their own desks in the edit suite. Office supplies are plentiful, and placed in an obvious and easily accessible table in the main suite. There is absolutely no need for someone to use the office supplies on my desk on an ongoing basis.

And yet, my friends, this is what is happening. Conceal your horror, and listen. Starting just last week, the story editor, working in the suite on my right, prints multiple sheets of paper 7-8 times daily. This necessitates her need for a stapler. On the corner of my desk, I keep a stapler.

"You don't mind if I use this, do you?" she asked gamely, the first time she used my stapler. "No, I suppose not." I answered. But then it became frequent. And every time she used my stapler, she also expected to have some sort of interaction with me. Even if it was just "Thanks for letting me use your stapler" or "Ha ha, I'm using your stapler again." Even on a good day, when I'm in a good mood, I don't like the interruption that this causes. And when she puts the stapler back in the wrong place, I kind of lose my mind a little. And then I feel really self-conscious that she's noticed I'm losing my mind, and I'll have to say something like "Sorry, I'm a bit of a freak! Ha ha!" and then she'll kind of nod and I won't be able to decipher the social cue of the nod, and I'll think it means something horrible and that she hates me.

At one point, I offered to get the story editor her own stapler. I was all cute about it and I did not once launch myself across my desk to grab her by the collar and say "Please, I'm desperate for you to take this stapler I'm offering and leave me and my office supplies alone.". I was very human and normal about it.

"Nah, I'll just keep using yours. I don't use it very much." she replied with a smile. And when someone is nice and kind of friendly, you don't want to reveal that you're totally psychotic and you don't like it when people touch your office supplies, so you (as in me) smile weakly and just continue to let it happen.

But honestly you guys, it almost causes my physical pain to have this person using my stapler, no matter how nice she is. I'm sorry I'm a total monster, but I'm already 28 years old, and I'm not about to become something other than a total monster when I'm already so good at being a monster. I figure I have a few options here. You let me know which one seems least cruel/horrible/lacking in any kind of social graces.

1. Hide the stapler
-Pros- she will see that my stapler is gone and not use my stapler
-Cons- she will ask me about the stapler, and then I will have to admit that I hid it. Then she will end up using the stapler. Or I could lie and say it's been stolen. But then she'll ask me to get a new stapler. And at this point, we've had a conversation, when it was my ultimate goal to stop having conversations about the stapler. GAHHH!
2. Have two staplers, and mark one "Guest"
-Pros- when she sees I have two staplers, I can just give her one to keep
-Cons- I don't know, this feels a bit mean. Plus, we'll probably have to have a conversation. She'll say "Oh ha ha, a guest stapler. That's so funny. What a funny joke!" while I feel like fingernails are being scraped across the blackboard of my soul.
3. Put a stapler on the printer table
-Pros- this one is all pro. There's a stapler just there, hanging out! Oh amazing! I don't have to use anyone's stapler that is sitting on THEIR desk, on which they need to arrange everything JUST SO or they can't concentrate. GREAT!!
-Cons- She'll turn around and say "Hey, great, there's a stapler on this table now! Yay!"
-More cons- knowing people in this office, someone will swipe it. And then my stapler will be the only option again.
4. Put hot sauce on the stapler
-Pros- This would just be funny. Plus, I saw Dr. House do it on an episode of "House". "House" is the best!
-Cons- someone actually got charged with a crime for disciplining their children in this manner in the States.
-More cons- I'll forget the hot sauce is there, and inevitably touch my eyes.
5. Litter my desk with Kleenex, act like I'm really sneezy and germ-y
-Pros- No one will want to touch ANY of my stuff. Except for maybe my hand sanitizer after just looking at me.
-Cons- Exhausting to keep up the germ-y girl act. People will want to know what I have, how long I've had it, am I feeling better today, etc. And then we're into conversation territory again, or as I call it "The Black Hole of Death". Seriously, have you ever noticed how conversations you DON'T want to get into have their own gravitational pull? How is that possible? Someone should come up with an algorithm for this phenomenon.

That's just what I've thought of so far. Let me know if you can come up with something better. Tune in next week when I write about how I hate it when people touch the Mr. Potato Head I have on my desk, and how stupid it is for me to keep a Mr. Potato Head on my desk, because you can't not touch a Mr. Potato Head (FYI- I do not touch him. He is there to watch to make sure no one touches my stuff when I am away).